“Do you think it’s a problem that I’m never going to fall in love again since Butter is gone?”
I was worrying my heart again, confusing my grief with my reality. We were driving through Lincoln, Nebraska, running errands in a place last visited with my long gone dog.
“What are you talking about?!” my Someone responded.
I was startled from my inside questions.
“You just fell in love with a pastry!” my Someone exclaimed.
It was true. We had just stumbled accidentally on a bakery downtown that not only had pecan rolls that matched my dietary restrictions, but had also a cute dining table with local coffee. The pecan roll tasted somewhere between what they look like in movies and my mother’s cinnamon rolls that I hadn’t had in years. The thing that happens when I taste something truly remarkable happened, where the air in my chest goes whoosh and I can hardly breathe for the happiness of the flavor. My eyes well up and my nose stings and I can’t stop smiling. Then, I work hard to chew and not cry at the same time.
“This is the most amazing thing today,” I had said. “I am in love.”
But this was thirty minutes ago. Now that the sugar wore off, I was worried about love.
“Okay,” I said, “But what if I never love again after Butter and the pastry?”
“You will fall in love by the end of the day,” he said. “Maybe with a glass of wine tonight.”
I thought of this again– the ups and downs of every day of falling in love and moving on and falling in love and losing. It wasn’t just by the year or the week or the day, but by the minutes. All of this gaining and losing. All of this unexpected refilling of what is empty, only to drink it all in fully and have to refill it again.
“Do you think it’s a problem that I am always falling in love?”